Q: Why is it that when you’re in a relationship, your spouse tends to get comfortable and start gaining weight? Next thing you know, she doesn’t look the same as when you first met. How could you be called shallow when they start looking the opposite of what you want? I mean, if you wanted a fat chick in the first place, wouldn’t you get one? Shouldn’t they at least try and go to the gym so they can at least look as if they are trying?

                                                -- Peter, 32, Financial Advisor, New York, NY

A: Well, this is definitely a multi-faceted question, so we’re going to approach each question one at a time.

I’d like to start by discussing the basis of a relationship. People get into relationships with this fairy tale idea that everything will be exactly as it was on the first day. And I’ve learned through a failed engagement that that is not the case. Actually, I’ve learned through the years that a relationship is like a job -- well, not like; it is a job. And there is nothing wrong with that except that this job is -- or can be -- for life.

So unless you have known your significant other for a number of years, you first met and were attracted to this individual attribute. It could be a small or large person, short or tall. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and I am thoroughly convinced that someone will find you attractive!

Going from that point, there is an array of emotional aspects which keep a relationship healthy over time. Looks will eventually fade. It is inevitable that you will lose hair, have wrinkles and lose bodily functions as you age.

That said, I will now approach getting comfortable in a relationship. I do believe that there is such a thing as getting too comfortable. For example, one of the biggest issues is the weight gain. I have seen so many couples or individuals in relationships gain a significant amount of unhealthy weight. Not only is it unhealthy, but it is a huge turnoff to your partner -- regardless of whether or not he or she actually says so.

When your spouse fell in love with you, it was for your looks, for your intelligence, and for so many other reasons. People naturally fall in and out of love, which is a fact. Humans are overly complex individuals who require a tremendous amount of love and attention. That said, to keep a relationship fiery and healthy, you need to know exactly what your partner wants.

I’m not saying that it’s not OK to gain -- or lose -- some weight. What I am saying is that you need to find out what your partner wants, and what their turn-ons or turn-offs are. I think it is common sense that is overlooked too often.

Let me give you an example. You met your spouse when you were 25, healthy, and good-looking. You were of average weight and had a gym membership -- the works.

Today, you are 35. You have no gym membership, you have unhealthy eating habits, and you are 40 lbs. overweight.

Here’s the question: Do you really think that this is not going to have an effect on  your partner?

If you answered “No,” then you are a moron. And no, I do not feel sorry for you, either. In fact, stop reading this article, because it is a waste of your time, anyway.

Now back to the weight-gaining thing: Other than the most overly-ridiculous human, most spouses will not care if you gain some weight. But what does matter is when you stop caring. It is not the weight gain that makes the difference; it is the thought that he or she doesn’t care about what I like. And that is the straw that breaks the camel’s back -- you don’t want your spouse thinking that you don’t care about them.

Becoming too comfortable in a relationship could cause it to fall into a continuous cycle, thus becoming monotonous and boring. If loses the fire, the desire, and the passion which once made it amazing.

I could go on forever about what goes wrong in relationships, but in this case the underlying theme is that the spouses stops putting in as much work as they once did. One word of advice: There are over 6 billion people on this earth who would happily be in the position you are currently in (Editor’s note: Whoa, J. Boz. 6 billion, eh? I think you’re probably overestimating the number of men who would want to fill your girl’s shoes…). Whether it is a relationship or job, the fact is that you are replaceable -- as is everyone else.

Work for what is yours. If you are in a relationship but you are comfortable and you don’t care, get out of it. It is simply not fair to the other person. Frankly, I am sick of hearing “Oh, I don’t love him, but I don’t want to be alone.”

Grow up already.

As for the gym issue, I have this to say: Listen people, if you are gaining weight, then hit the gym. I’m not saying you need to “go get the perfect body” or “look like those skinny bitches in the magazine” -- I am saying “Get healthy.”

You’ll live longer, have better sex, and enjoy a more fruitful relationship. It becomes a problem when your spouse thinks that you don’t care. They will eventually stray, or just break the whole thin off.

Relationships are not perfect. You have to work at them if you want to keep them feeling like they did the first day you met. That task is an everyday task, even when you are tired, stressed, or can’t get it up!

-- J. Boz

**Tip of the Day: If your spouse isn’t going to the gym, buy her a gym membership. It tells her that you care. Even offer to help train her or get her a personal trainer. She will feel better about herself and about the relationship. Let her know how you feel without saying “Bitch, you got fat!”

And this goes for both sexes (Men -- we get fat, too. How do you think she feels?).